All in My Head
by ACreativeHobbit
Summary: Fili son of Dis could not divine what was possibly the matter with him. All he knew is that one moment, he was perfectly fine, and the next, he was screaming in rage because of a simple cough. Why had the Valar cursed him so? And would he ever be able to truly live with it? Or be sentenced to agony because of something so insignificant? Angst!Fili No slash!
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I know, I should be uploading my other stories, but I couldn't let this little plot bunny run away from me. Yeah... But I felt that it was time for some Fili angst, since most of the angst seems to revolve around solely Kili these days. But enjoy this first little chapter.**

Fili, nephew of Thorin Oakenshield, brother of Kili, son of Dis, children of Thrain, son of Thror, King of Erebor, the Lonely Mountain, did not know what in Arda could possibly be the matter with him.

It began one night at supper when he was twenty. (That would be ten years old for a human.) He lived in the Blue Mountains with his mother, uncle, and younger brother, Kili, whom he was fond of. They were having a quiet peaceful dinner of rabbit, after a long day of schooling. Everything was going well, but then suddenly, Kili coughed. Fili felt rage course through him like he had never felt before.

He couldn't handle it. He had to escape, so he stood up, as his chair fell behind him, an expression of pure hatred on his face, and he walked angrily out the door, slamming it behind him. His family blinked, Kili letting out a timid, "Fee?" Then to let out all the tension that had welled up inside of him clogging up all thought and reason, Fili screamed. It was a haunting sound which chilled the blood of the Durin family. Kili's especially. Then it was quiet for a moment, and Kili was just about to get up to see if he could comfort his older brother, when there was another scream, just as haunting as the first, but mixed with a sob. It was silent again. This time Kili did get up from his chair but he was stopped by Thorin.

"Kili."

Kili stopped and looked at Thorin.

"Let him be, lad."

Kili sat down and reluctantly began to eat once more, constantly looking towards the door for any sign of Fili. Thorin tried to appear and sound calm and stern like usual, but he was evidently shaken up like Dis and Kili.

Dinner resumed as always, the only difference being that of the absence of Fili, nephew of Thorin Oakenshield, son of Dis, children of Thrain, son of Thror, King of Erebor, the Lonely Mountain. To Kili, it was a world of difference. Yet little did he know that this was to become the norm from then on.

*¿.?*

From that moment, Fili took his meals in the room he shared with Kili. He did not play any longer, preferring to spend his time in the forest by himself, in near total silence. He forgot what it was to know his family, talk to other people, and was content to sometimes camp out, having taught himself the necessary skills of survival.

Whenever Thorin took him to train, he tried to guard his ears with spare bits of cloth from his mother. The first time he did it, Thorin was angry, so the boy taught himself to make the bits of cloth invisible. They were pretty much his best friends and he didn't like to part without them.

Yet, sometimes, he was required to be at formal ceremonies and the receptions afterward, which were basically giant parties. He usually spoke in a clipped bitter manner and kept to himself. And if there was anything funny around, he usually only smiled, or laughed falsely, and returned to his business.

But he did not know what his distance was doing to those who surrounded him. Thorin was a mix of various negative emotions, wishing he could be close to his heir, the one who would take his place as king of their people someday (even if it was indeed in exile).

Kili missed his brother greatly, and it pained him to see Fili suffer so at parties and gatherings. The face of agony on the blonde prince's face was heart-wrenching for Kili- Fili looked like he wanted to run into the woods and into the Wild; even if it was in nothing but his small-clothes. Kili had to play with other neighborhood dwarflings, like Ori of the Ri household or Gimli son of Gloin. He didn't have anything against them, but as previously said, he missed Fili with all his heart and nothing could fill the space that Fili's near-constant absence left.

Dis shared similar feelings as her brother and uncle. She wished she could share in her first born's life like she used to be able to. But because Fili was never around, she didn't even know him. She didn't know that he loved the color green, and had taught himself sewing and archery, because he couldn't bear the sounds of others making noise. He didn't know that the the pain that he was in caused his family pain as well.

*¿.?*

One day, after many years, Thorin returned from a two month departure. He had news about a Quest to take back Erebor. (He did not say that it was actually a Quest to burgle the Arkenstone and summon the Dwarf armies to kill the Dragon. Although it was kind of foolish because Smaug had killed the bulk of Erebor's army with no real opposition.)

Fili would be expected to go, he was the heir to the throne of Erebor, and it would be silly and weak not to. Kili wasn't heir but he was still prince, thus also expected to go, being in the public eye as well.

So began a month of preparation. A company was organized and chosen of honorable Dwarves close to the Durin family, if not of the noble line itself. Weapons were repaired, and packs readied, clothes and cloaks mended, and boots fixed.

Before long, the company made it's way to the Burglar's house. (A Burglar is needed to burgle the Arkenstone from under a Dragon's nose.) Dwalin arrived at the house first, in the Shire, inhabited by Hobbits. His brother Balin came after, followed by Fili by himself. Kili would arrive with Thorin afterwards.

When Fili arrived, he bowed and introduced himself. The Burglar gave a small whimper and then recomposed himself, and then began to close the door.

"Nope, you can't come in, you've come to the wrong house."

Fili froze up, eyes widening.

"What?" he asked, almost panicking. Bilbo saw and felt bad for the young Dwarf. He opened the door and stammered,

"Well- I- uh- alright, come in."

Fili walked in meekly. He gave a smile of appreciation and relief, and took off his weapons, putting them in a spot in the foyer. Dwalin came and greeted Fili, smiling broadly, and walking him towards the dining area, or some hall. Fili returned a small smile.

A sniffle.

Fili winced and gritted his teeth, nearly collapsing out of the need to curl up into a ball and scream. He tried to seem nonchalant but didn't say much, choosing to grin half-heartedly at times.

Secretly, Bilbo noticed a minute look of dread on the young dwarf's face when greeted by the big burly scary one. Why? Was he in trouble? There was a difference in this younger one. While the other two were overtly being rude, he preferred to stay on the sidelines, not actively doing anything naughty, but giving them a few necessary items for the meal. Bilbo wondered why. He also noticed him wince every once in a while, was he hurt? Injured? He wanted to help. (Because it's right, and his father would be proud.)

Bilbo was snapped out of his thoughts by a particularly hard pull on the bell. His Baggins mindset turned immediately on and he began shouting angrily at the fact that there were more.

"There's nobody home! Go away and bother somebody else! There's far to many Dwarves in my dining room as it is! If this is some clothead's idea of a joke," he laughed bitterly. "I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" He finished as he opened the front door. There indeed were more Dwarves. A lot more. And they were all lying halfway in through _his_ front door.

Fili paled.

**AN: And ya. Anyone know what seems to be the matter with Fili? Anyone? Anyone? Drabble about Fili and Kili for the first person to get it right! And no, you are not allowed to ask me personally. But anyways, I don't think I'll be update frequently, seeing as I have other projects going on at the moment, but if I'm feeling uninspired with the others, I'll update here, cause I have a ton of ideas for this and some really terrible writer's block on the others. That, and I have school, 4 clubs, Youth Group, FFN, and on top of that, I want to start a blog. Yeah... I'm insane, but I'm feeling great! No stress whatsoever (yet)! But yeah, that's me. Yeah, so please review, I'd like to know whether someone is actually interested in this story. And remember to play, "What the heck is wrong with Fili the Dwarf?" May your teeth never be replaced by freshly ironed wool socks! Bye!**

**Love,****-Hobbit**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: As you can obviously see, I have not been able to update my other fics... *sigh* But well, there is another chapter for this one! *thumbs up* Thanks to LavenderCrystalOfRoses and Earane Telrunya for their good guesses. Earane won, Fili does have Misophonia. (More on that at the bottom.) But anyways, here is the next chapter, it was just bugging me to get it done... So I did get it done. :P**

**I forgot the disclaimer last chapter... oops! Well, I know you guys know I don't own anything. Just the idea...**

Bilbo looked up at the wizard, and sighed, annoyed at the nosy and meddling wizard, whom he had met in the morning. Something inside Bilbo said he should've taken the old man seriously, but the rest of the hobbit said that he couldn't just randomly believe someone talking crazy right in front of his gate.

When the dwarves rose, and brushed themselves off, they hung up their weapons, and began heading into the rest of the flustered hobbit's hole, preparing the dining room, and making themselves comfortable as only they saw fit. At least a few of them had the decency to greet their host, and introduce themselves. Bimbur, Bombur, and Bofur, were they? And Dori and Nori? Nori and Ori? Dori and Ori? He was confused between the names of the two who had introduced themselves- a grey-haired dwarf and a young shy one- and a sulky star haired dwarf who huffed and stomped away, much to the chagrin and embarrassment of the grey-haired one, whom Bilbo had finally figured out was Dori. _Dori, Dori, Dori, Dori!_ Bilbo repeated to himself in his mind as he fussed over the state of his _formerly _neat and comfy house. All thoughts of the young blonde were forgotten for the present moment.

In the meanwhile, Fili's pallor had not improved, and he was tense constantly, staying in secluded corners, away from the rest. He didn't realize that the rest of the party present was aware of his seclusion, and often, whispers passed through the group, at the few times he spoke because his tones were clipped and almost impatient.

When the large group had sat down to eat, the lone dwarf had taken a small plate of food for himself, and disappeared into the night.

*¿O.O?*

Sitting down on the doorstep, Fili put his plate on his lap and ate quietly. The night was cool and quiet, and he paused for a moment, pulling his coat closer about him, as a small breeze passed over, giving him chills. He looked about, smiling softly at the view of the Shire, the gently rolling hills, the friendly trees, and the calm body of water nearby. He would have given an arm to have been able to live peacefully in the Shire, in the calm and quiet. Save for the crickets chirping, which apart from the muffled ruckus on the inside of Bag-End, was the only sound that Fili could hear.

The son of Dis had expected to be driven absolutely mad by the crickets, but oddly enough, they were unexpectedly soothing in comparison to the noises which normally drove him out of a sane mind. He decided he could live in the Shire one day if he got the chance.

For once, his shoulders and back could relax, and his stomach unclenched, as he set the empty plate aside, and took deep cleansing breaths. Now that he was relaxed, he noticed with some disappointment that his back and shoulders hurt a bit, from the tense set he constantly had them in. He gingerly rubbed each shoulder, and stretched a bit, hoping to relieve the ache. Gradually the ache subsided, and he relaxed again, sitting back a bit to watch the stars appear.

Yet all this was not to last as he heard the front door open, and he unwillingly tensed again in fearful anticipation and looked back towards the door.

*¿O.O?*

Bilbo had been mourning the loss of his food, when a thought jumped into his mind, unbidden. _What about the young one? Did he get food?_ Bilbo scanned the faces of all the Dwarves at the table and frowned when he didn't see the young blonde. He vaguely remembered hearing the front door open and close, and decided to go check, seeing as the other _uninvited _guests were occupied making a mess of his hall, he thought begrudgingly.

He carefully and quietly exited the house, trying not to disturb the young Dwarf, although the blonde's gaze snapped backwards the moment he heard the door open. Bilbo politely asked,

"Uh, hello... Uh, did you get food?"

There was a pause before Fili answered, "Yes."

Bilbo smiled slightly in relief before he asked again,

"Are you alright? I mean... being alone out here."

"I'm... fine."

Unconsciously, Bilbo sniffed, which caused a muscle in Fili's face to jump, and said Dwarf to look up at the Hobbit, who was so innocently naive as to what he'd just done. Though he didn't realize the cause, Bilbo could swear on his mother's honey-cakes that an almost feral look had flashed through the young Dwarf's eyes, which had contained, _Anger? Desperation? Pain? Fear? Like an injured animal._ Bilbo almost frowned. What in Yavanna's name-? Bilbo would have to figure out what was wrong. (His innocently curious nature pushed him to.) Maybe the young one's friends inside would know.

With that, Bilbo nodded, and said, "Well then. I shall be going inside now." He threw the Dwarf a small smile, and headed back inside, leaving Fili to make himself relax once more.

*¿O.O?*

Inside, Bilbo tried to muster up his courage to address the Dwarf party. Of course, the ruckus was just as loud as ever. Finally, Bilbo was able to step behind Bofur, and he cleared his throat quietly.

"Um, excuse me, don't mean to..." he said quietly, but when he saw no one was paying attention, said it again, a bit louder: "Excuse me!" Bilbo cleared his throat again, and shouted, "Excuse me!" He was finally heard above the din, and he said, "Thank you." as the room quieted. All eyes were on him, although Bombur chomped still on his hearty serving of food and some others chewed on their mouthfuls.

"That young one, out there, is he alright?" Bilbo asked innocently, pointing in the direction of the front door.

The room went deathly quiet, as everyone solemnly froze in their spots. Even Bombur stopped his eating, and he searched the faces of the others, wondering what to do.

Gandalf spoke up, being aware of the fact that the subject of Fili was touchy.

"Bilbo, my lad, perhaps it might be better if you make some tea. I feel I am sorely in need of a hot drink." It was not necessarily a lie, for he did feel a need of some warm liquid to wash down his meal. Dori did not begrudge Gandalf the tea which he'd refused earlier, silently agreeing that the Hobbit needed a distraction.

"Of course. Anyone-? Need anything? No? Alright then." Bilbo said, trying to mask his growing concern for the young Dwarf, as he went to the kitchen and made Gandalf's tea. He tried to not dwell on it, but found it impossible to as he scalded his finger, having been lost in thought. When he finally realized it, he quickly put the kettle down, and cursed, "Mother-!"

The Dwarves, silenced by the Hobbit's question, quietly ate, each one dwelling on the same question so innocently asked by the latter.

Is the young one alright?

_Is_ Fili _alright_?

Will he _ever_ be _alright_?

*¿O.O?*

Fili's thoughts were interrupted by the gate opening, and his uncle and brother coming to the front door. Fili looked up as the pair stood in front of the green brass-knobbed door.

Thorin looked down at his nephew without emotion.

"What are you doing out here by yourself?"

Fili almost hesitated but managed to make himself sound at least a bit convincing.

"Taking in some fresh air. It can get a bit stuffy in there after a while."

Thorin paused.

"Shouldn't you be inside for the meeting?"

Fili's expression grew almost pleading.

"Can't I stay here for just a bit longer?"

Thorin seemed to consider it for a moment, but Kili spoke up.

"Uncle, I can come get him when it's time."

Thorin paused for a moment, before answering, "Very well then."

He then pounded harshly on the door.

Inside, there was a sudden shuffling, as everyone made their way to the entrance to greet the King-in-Exile.

When the door was opened by Gandalf, Thorin greeted the wizard, "Gandalf, I thought you said this place would be easy to find. Lost our way, twice."

"_Almost_ twice. I helped you get un-lost that second time." Kili piped up, grinning proudly. Thorin shook his head, and smiled, ruffling the brunette's hair.

Thorin turned to Dwalin and greeted him, patting the tattooed warrior on the shoulder fondly.

"Fili?" Dwalin asked concernedly but quietly.

"Kili'll go on and fetch him later." Thorin answered at the same volume.

Finally Thorin turned to the host of the house.

"So, you're the Hobbit Gandalf told me much about." he said, scrutinizing Bilbo from head to toe.

Bilbo shifted uncomfortably.

"Indeed? What did Gandalf say about me?"

"That you may be the _perfect _Hobbit for the task he has in mind." Thorin said, shooting a withering glare of disappointment at said wizard. "Though to me, you look more like a farmer than a Burglar."

"What? Farmer? Burglar?" Bilbo squeaked indignantly.

The other Dwarves chuckled slightly, yet didn't forget the innocent curiosity, eyeing the Hobbit with a touch of wariness, as they all went back to the hall where they ate to clear the table.

It was a quiet affair with which they cleared the table, in the meanwhile, Bilbo made stew for Thorin and Kili since they had just arrived, and not had dinner. Bilbo also put some desserts out for the others, and finished making Gandalf's tea.

Finally, Thorin nodded to Kili who stood up, and went to get Fili.

*¿O.O?*

Fili was looking at the stars still, when he heard the door open again, and he grabbed his empty plate when he saw his brother's face looking down at him.

"It's time." was all Kili said, before going back inside, Fili following. Kili went to take his seat and resume eating his stew, while Fili got rid of his plate, and came back to the hallway, hesitating a bit. Kili had a place for Fili saved beside him.

Looking up at Fili, who seemed shy to come into the room, Kili patted the place he saved for Fili, and said,

"Come on brother, sit beside me."

The expression in his eyes was like that of a hopeful child, that an older role model might stay close to them. Fili looked frightened, desperate, and nervous, hesitating a bit more.

"Please?" Kili asked, his own face growing disappointed.

Fili felt guilty, he had not been near his brother for a long time. But he was afraid that he would hurt Kili if he lashed out suddenly out of desperation. Yet, the guilt eventually won, and he slowly and uncomfortably sat down on the spot offered. This put a brilliant satisfied smile on the brunette's face, prompting a shaky smile in return from Fili.

In the meanwhile, the others were pretending not to notice the brothers, and were focusing on the desserts and losing themselves in their thoughts.

When Thorin saw that they were all settled, he began,

"The Dwarves from the Iron Hills say they will not come."

That sparked murmurs through the company.

"They say this quest is ours and ours alone. We must go it by ourselves."

Bilbo, again curious, popped up behind Thorin.

"You're going on a quest?"

Gandalf again spoke up.

"Bilbo, we're going to need some more light. If you could get us another candle, that would be very much appreciated."

Bilbo did so with a small grumble. Why couldn't he get the answers he wanted?

By the time he had gotten the candle, the Dwarrow and Gandalf were looking at a map. Bilbo, coming between Thorin and the Wizard, read slowly,

"The Lone-ly Moun-tain... Isn't that- That's Erebor, right?"

Gandalf nodded. "Exactly right. You've done your reading well, my lad."

Bilbo smiled in appreciation before frowning at a thought.

"Wait, isn't there a dragon there though?"

"That's the problem." said Balin. "There's been rumors that he's no longer living. We have to make it there as soon as we can to reclaim the mountain, before someone else takes it first."

"And how would they do that? The front gate is completely blocked. There's no other way into Erebor." grumbled Oin. Though the old dwarf needed a hearing trumpet, he could listen well enough when he felt like it.

"That is not entirely true, Oin." said Gandalf, magically pulling out a key from his robes. The gathered Dwarrow all gaped in awe. Not at Gandalf's trick, but at the key itself.

But at the same time as the talking was going on, Fili was trying to keep himself together. It was hard, because Bombur and Dori were breathing too loudly, Gandalf had a distinctive 's' when he spoke, and Nori was tapping his foot under the table. The tension was getting too much, and Fili had had enough. It all ended though, when he finally rose from the table, clutching his stomach with a pained expression.

"I need to use the bathroom." he groaned, before leaving the table, Gandalf holding the key, and the others watching him confusedly.

He went around through the kitchen to where Bilbo was, and the Hobbit immediately understood, pointing down the hall.

"Down this hall, second to the left."

Fili followed the directions, and stumbled down the hall, into said room, closing the door noisily.

And for the first time in a long time, he let out many silent tears.

**AN: As I said before, Earane won the prize (a Fili and Kili drabble that I will post soon...), which was for guessing that Fili has Misophonia. For those of you wondering what that is, Misophonia is a rare neurological disorder, which basically causes the sufferer to feel extreme anxiety or even anger at certain small everyday sounds like chewing, smacking, breathing, tapping (I'm basically listing the ones Fili has in the story.) The sounds are termed as 'triggers'. The word Misophonia literally means 'hatred of sound'! I go into this more on my blog. There's a link up in my profile, so, go please check it out, subscribe if you like, (I have a little Follow by Email gadget that you can use. ;P) and yeah, read that Misophonia post. If you guys have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me... or review... Thanks everybody for reading, I hope to have another chapter up soon. :P R&R too, I'd love to hear from you! So, thanks again, and see ya!**

**Love,**

**-Hobbit :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: This is the last chapter before my entire world gets flipped upside down with BOFA. :( I'm seeing it tonight at 10:30 ET, and I am so scared.**

**But forget about that for now.**

**Anyways... this is a really angsty chapter, I'm sorry, but I think my muse has been angsting subconsciously about BOFA too. So, if I hurt someone, sorry. I'll understand once I actually get to watch BOFA.**

**This chapter also contains a flashback of some Fili and Kili angst. They sleep in the same bed really close here, but I want to tell you guys, it's NOT Durincest. I repeat, NOT Durincest. If you guys wish to disregard that though, go ahead, I'm not stopping you. But _I_ am not meaning it to be Durincest, and it never will be meant as that. Thank you.**

**A lot of Thorin, Kili and Bilbo POV here. We will get back to Fili next chapter.**

**I only own the fact that it's AU.**

When Bilbo had gotten over the surprise, he slowly and quietly approached the bathroom door. He put his ear against the door, and was surprised to hear, not retching, but a soft sniffling. _Like the sniffling one does when they cry,_ Bilbo thought, frowning. He decided to call out. He knocked on the door slightly.

"Excuse me! Are you alright? Need any help?"

There was a slight pause, before the answer.

"Please, just leave me alone."

Bilbo frowned even more. For the voice of the young dwarf did not sound normal. It sounded teary, and almost, _broken_. Bilbo said, resignedly,

"Alright then. I'll... go."

He took a few normal steps, before stomping back to the mouth of the dining room.

"What is going on?!" Bilbo spat out in a loud and angry whisper. "I realize that you probably all think that this not my business, but you're _all _my guests, _uninvited,_ and he's very _clearly_ upset. I make it a business to see to the well-being of all my guests, and I'm not going to stand for the fact that _nobody _is doing _anything _about this!"

Balin sighed, feeling bad for the young one. "I'm afraid that's the problem Master Baggins. Nobody knows what's the matter. He doesn't let anyone near him, no matter how hard we try to help."

"He's been that way for almost as long as I can remember." added Kili quietly and sadly. A stark contrast to the smiley, light-hearted young dwarf Bilbo had seen earlier. "One night we were eating dinner and suddenly, he stood up, went outside, and screamed."

* * *

><p><em>Fili had finished screaming, but he sat down at the entrance of the house and sobbed despondently. What had caused this? He paused and thought back to the moment he left the room. He looked up in realization. The moment he'd felt the terrible rage and desperation was the moment Kili coughed. He shook his head. <em>No, no, no! It isn't possible! _This couldn't be happening. _

_But as he looked back even farther, he knew it was true. It was impossible not to notice it. A clenched stomach on Durin's Day, tightened jaw a month later. A whimper two weeks before, and then, the scream. Fili shook his head again. He was going mad. _Thorin_ wasn't even king of Erebor and Fili was _already_ going mad! He felt tears running down his face and he sobbed in horror, voice turning dry and raspy from the screaming. _

_"Mahal, why?" he sobbed, as he bent over, feeling an urge to throw up in anguish, though it never came, as he sat there and let out all his despairs to the heavens._

_After a long time, his tears had run out, and he wiped the tear tracks away, but still hiccuped a bit. It was dark, and dinner had long since passed. Fili found the strength to stand up. He brushed himself off, and went inside. _

_Thorin tried to pretend everything was normal, while Dis, wanted to go to Fili and comfort him, but Fili just marched into his and Kili's room, expression full of heartbreak, and he closed the door. _

_Fili saw that Kili was already in bed, and knew that it was late. He quickly changed into his nightshirt, and flopped into bed, quickly rolling over to his side, not facing Kili. Kili had been awake the whole time, waiting for his brother to return. He was immensely bothered by the horrific scream, and he wanted to know why Fili had gone and done it._

_"Fee?" Kili asked quietly, shaking Fili's arm. "Brother? What's wrong?" _

_"Go to sleep Kili." Fili answered, pretending everything was fine. Although Kili did hear a small break in his brother's voice, and he persisted._

_"Fili, please." Kili said._

_Fili finally relented, and turned over, facing Kili, who looked at him with concern in his big brown eyes. _

_"I'm fine, alright Kee?" Fili said, forcing a wobbly smile. He placed his hand on Kili's messy brown locks, and stroked them softly in a reassuring manner. _

_"Are you sure?" Kili asked, not entirely convinced. Fili's eyes were red and puffy, and his demeanor appeared almost... sad._

_"Completely sure. We're both fine, and everything's alright. Understand, Kili?" Fili answered, with a drop of firmness, so that Kili would stop asking, and Fili wouldn't feel the urge to break down again. Kili nodded hesitantly. He still was wary of the unknowable, ocean-deep sadness in _his_ Fee's eyes. _

_"C'mere." Fili said, pulling his brother into his arms. Kili relented and curled up against Fili. Fili in turn wrapped his arms around Kili, and they inched closer to each other, as they both fell into a deep sleep where neither moved till morning. Kili felt comforted by Fili's embrace, though the way Fili was rocking side to side in a soothing manner, it seemed more like Fili who was receiving the comfort. _

_It was the last time Kili ever felt even a minimal sense of normalcy, because after that, nothing was ever the same again._

* * *

><p>All the Dwarves looked down sadly. It was a tragedy what had happened to Fili. He was always so withdrawn and closed, never talking to anyone unless he really had to. Kili looked close to breaking, as Oin put an arm on his shoulder, to keep the lad from falling apart.<p>

Gandalf sighed, and said, "Perhaps it would be better if we returned to the original topic of discussion." He was all too aware that this was causing more harm than good.

"Agreed," Thorin said with a clenched jaw, as the others took the hint and tried to relax just a bit and think about the quest itself.

"Now, where were we?" Gandalf asked in a lighter tone.

Nori thought for a moment and pointed out, "The key!"

"Ah, yes! Thank you Nori!" said Gandalf. The aforementioned thief nodded with a smile, settling down to listen to the rest of the discussion. "Now, this key leads to a secret passage on the side of the mountain, there." Gandalf explained, pointing to a point on the map which indicated the side door.

Bilbo shook his head and stomped off. Obviously they didn't care enough about their kin to even want to try to help. No answers, nothing! No clue, as to what was happening. Well, except for the fact that it had started in the blonde's childhood. Which only infuriated Bilbo more. What kind of idiots would let their family suffer like that for so long? The only reason why Fili _wanted_ to be left alone is because everyone always left him alone, _right?_

Bilbo stopped in the study and tried to calm himself down, despite the terrible fury that rushed through his veins. He cursed himself for his nosiness. Why did he have to be like that? He felt like Lobelia! Bilbo shuddered at the thought. He decided to wash the dishes to take his mind off the situation. He walked bitterly to the kitchen and rolled up his sleeves, washing the dishes blindly, and without a thought.

* * *

><p>Kili tuned out all discussion of the quest, and took shaky breaths in and out so as to try to calm himself. It was true that the topic of Fili was touchy for the Company, but no one was <em>ever <em>to talk about Fili in _Kili's_ presence. It was a complete no-no. He'd tried many many times to get through to Fili but there was always an obstacle barring him from helping his brother. And it was making him feel helpless and afraid. He could not know what was killing his brother, _his_ Fee. Tearing him up from the inside out. This time he wouldn't fail; he would help his brother. He didn't care if he interrupted the meeting, he would try.

He stood up and said, "Excuse me." He quickly moved out of the dining room. He was wearing an expression of '_Don't you dare say a word.' _Everyone saw that, so they didn't, and went on with the meeting, though they were puzzled. What was he _doing_?

Kili moved fast to the door of the bathroom, remembering the directions Bilbo had given. He stopped in front of the door, shifting on his feet for a moment. He hesitated a bit. All of a sudden, he was nervous. Would Fili lash out? Close up even more? Refuse to speak altogether? Finally Kili made up his mind, and knocked meekly on the door.

"Fili?" he called softly.

Fili almost panicked, but managed to stay calm as he quickly thought up a response.

"Go back to the meeting, Kili." he said, willing his voice not to shake, though Kili did detect a break in his brother's answer.

"Fili, what are you doing in there?" Kili asked a bit more firmly.

Fili paused.

"Sitting." he answered. It wasn't truly a lie. He was indeed sitting, but he didn't say that he was crying.

A sigh was heard from Kili's side of the door.

"Can- can I come in?" Kili asked hesitantly.

This time, there was no response from Fili, only a choked sound from the other side of the door, that sounded like a gasp and a cough put together. Then there was silence. Though faintly, at the very edge of his listening ability, he could hear a faint _sobbing_. Kili's heart sank to his toes, and desperation rose.

"Fili, please?" Kili cried, bracing himself against the door, as if trying to be as close to Fili as he possibly could. "Fili!"

This only made Fili cry harder, his entire body shaking with silent sobs, as he raked his hands through his hair in frustration.

But the stubborn Dwarf prince still refused to open the door.

Kili tried to push the door open. "Fee, I can't help you if you don't let me in!" he sobbed, being close to tears himself out of frustration.

In the meanwhile, the meeting had gone on well for a moment, but the scene between the brothers did not go unnoticed. The course of conversation soon trailed off again as Kili's sobs rang through the hallway.

Thorin winced in his mind. This was _hurting_ all three of them. It was _destroying_ them; slowly, painfully. And the relationship they all shared was already in its death throes. It was only a matter of time before it failed altogether.

Thorin hid his fear and sadness behind frustration and irritation. Flaring his nostrils and scowling, he rose from his seat with a growl.

"Excuse me while I speak to my nephew for a moment."

He went down the hallway to the bathroom, and saw Kili sitting against the door, but no longer making an effort to open it. His face was buried in his hands, and when he looked up, sensing his uncle's presence, his face was red and wet with tears, scrunched up in a frustrated, anguished look.

Thorin stopped, folding his arms over his chest. He looked stern, but Kili disregarded this, quickly getting up to hug his uncle. But instead of receiving the hug, Thorin steered him into a room, and closed the door. Kili looked at him in confusion, tears still pouring out of red, puffy brown eyes.

Thorin gripped his nephew's shoulders, sternness in his eyes concealing deep concern and sadness.

"Kili, you need to pull yourself together."

Kili stopped sobbing with a hiccup, though his bottom lip still quivered.

"He won't let me in! He needs help!" he cried.

Thorin shook his nephew very lightly, and brushed away the tears with a large thumb.

"I know Kili, we just have to let him be. He will open up to us when he feels like it. We just have to wait. Alright?"

"But what if it happens again? What if I can't be there for him?"

"That is why you must be strong, so that if, or when it does, _you _can be there for him. Understand Kili?

Kili nodded blindly, unable to think.

Thorin then pulled Kili into a close hug, one hand stroking the messy brown locks.

The younger began to sob again, holding his uncle like a lifeline.

Thorin tried to quiet his nephew so that they could get back to the meeting quickly, and without incident. Gradually, Kili's sobs died away to hiccups, as Thorin relaxed his hug at the same rate. When the hiccups had finally died down, Kili's face was red and wet from crying, and he still looked distressed, but he was much calmer.

_Mahal only knew how much longer that would last._

**AN: Thanks for reading guys! Hopefully it didn't hurt too much. Thanks to RolledUpInOne for your review, I really appreciate it! :) **

**So, I wish you guys all the best scenarios at BOFA, I hope it's not too bad for you. I personally will cry a lot I think. But even so, I will enjoy every minute. I hope you guys do too. **

**And in case I don't update again before Christmas, I wish you and your families very Happy Holidays, or whatever you celebrate. **

**Thanks again, and don't forget to leave a review please! **

**Love,**

**Hobbit :)**


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